Whatever

President of the Chorus.

Turnover: April 13th.
Date of death due to 25 credits+MD of After Eight (which will be done after this year)+2 jobs+composing+psych research+a semblance of a life: April 13th and one hour.

How do I manage to keep doing this? haha

HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! I don't even know what's going on anymore. I try to think about everything I have to do, and now my mind just goes blank. I'm behind in EVERYTHING. Including the stuff I have to do for my paid job because whenever I'm here, I'm scrambling to do something else that's due later that day, because every other moment of my day is taken up by some other commitment. I know it sounds like I'm saying the same thing over and over again, but that's because everyday it seems to get a little worse. I just need to take a day off. A day off of classes, a day off of work, a day off of meetings and rehearsals, not meet anyone anywhere to do anything. Just become a recluse in my room and catch up at least somewhat. But I can't, because I'm in-frickin-charge of it all!!! I overslept today, missing this one class for the second time in less than a week, making me even MORE behind because now I'll have to really study those lecture notes too. Well at least he put them up online now, because before he didn't but I pretty much begged him and now they're up. So that's nice I suppose. Honestly, right now I feel like I'm on the edge of a nervous breakdown. My head is so crowded it can't breathe.

After Eight has retreat this weekend so I need to come up with a pretty solid lesson plan so we can actually be productive, oh, b/c whose hands does it fall on to make the entire group sound good? Oh, that'd be mine. Who gets stuck with fixing crappy arrangements that people do but in a way that doesn't completely hurt their feelings? Oh, mine. Who has to discuss with the group whether or not to ask this one girl to join us because people bring it up. Me. And then if/when we accept her, who has to get her all of her materials and catch her up on the past year? Oh, wait, is that me? I think so. We also have a gig in a week and a half that I just found out about and I have to find new people to percus our really awesome songs because the girl who used to do them just up and quit this semester.

And Allie thinks that I'm going to do this again next year? Seriously? No. I can't. It will honestly kill me. And I won't have a future because I'll never have time to prepare for one. I don't think people understand how far behind I am in my newish career/grad school goals of composition. It's not like I just write an essay and study for a test. No. I need to have a portfolio, not just a resume. I need to work on my horrendous aural skills so I don't look as incompetent as I really am. I need to study, I need to write, I need the time to do any of it. And right now I don't. I end up making time to sit in a practice room  in front of a piano and get nowhere on a piece, but as I get no where, I'm getting even farther behind in everything else. I mean, I understand that a lot of this thing is getting nowhere and coming up with other random ideas that have nothing to do with the piece at hand. I know that it just takes time and eventually something will come to me after repeated sessions. But in the meantime everything else around me needs to get done and I come out of the PR after an hour or two with no progress. Again, I don't feel bad about it, I just feel stressed about everything else.

I'm trying. I'm trying to be a good MD and a good secretary and a good chorus member and a good research assistant and a good employee and a good friend and a good student  and a good vocal student and very importantly, a good (well, descent enough to get into a program) composer. And what happens it that I become mediocre at everything. I am the epitome of  "over-commit and under-perform" right now, and it drive me crazy! I just can't do it all. But I know that I'll suck it up and somehow do it anyway. But I know, I KNOW, that I can't do it all next year. Because if I do, I'll never have a chance. People are worried that there will be no one to take MD next year and that it will all go to crap and "how will you feel knowing that it's all pretty much your fault?" but I will lose my mind, and then they really won't have anyone. I can't do it. A part of me still wants to have some sort of position on Chorus council next year, but nothing too serious. It may also be the perfect excuse not to be MD again next year. Yes, I feel bad. Yes, I hope that someone will step up (and not this one girl that we know will probably try, but just is in no way ready for this yet), but I just can't do it again. Because I'm barely doing it now. I sort of have my friend Claire in mind. But I feel incredibly guilty for trying to impart such a torturous assignment on her. I like her too much to do this to her. I mean, don't get me wrong, it's not all bad. In fact there are some nice parts to it. Granted, I can't think of them right now, but they're there somewhere. But it's possibly one of the best and worse jobs on this campus. And also, I'm sure that it's not quite as painful when you're not taking 25 credits, performing a recital, doing research, and working 2 jobs too. Yeah, that may have a bit to do with it. But I just pick on this particular part because it seems the most time consuming, and more-so thought consuming, but at the same time the least useful job that I have right now.

There's just so much I have to do. And I can never do it. My weekends are shot with chorus/a8 functions. Connecticut last weekend, Syracuse this weekend, the Brahms requiem the weekend after that. And my days are filled from start to finish. 8-11. I can't do it. I can't. I can't. I can't. I want to scream. I want to cry. I want to quit. Everything.

I'll write a real one eventually I suppose. I haven't been on this thing in forever...and will probably not be on too often. Why you ask? Well take a gander at my 25 credits worth of crap and you'll see why:
http://schedulizer.com/Q001RP

Every little task seems like a huge commitment. I need to send a couple of e-mails, but I can't seem to find the time. I need to get an envelop (from my room) and send something in the mail, but I keep on forgetting to because I haven't written it down yet. I need to go to the commons and sign a lease so I have a place to live next year. I mean we have it, we sent the money, Becky and Theresa signed...but I haven't yet. I have an exam on Tuesday for which I've done absolutely NO reading. We just added at least 8 extra hours of A8 rehearsal next week. I have an opera to perform a week from today, an a capella concert 2 weeks from tomorrow, a studio recital (for which I still need to learn two songs and get together with the accompanist) in 3 weeks. I need to type up minutes for multiple chorus council meetings. Yeah, there's homework somewhere in there too. I need to learn this Wind Symphony piece and be ready to conduct it by monday, and write program notes for Bartok's Concerto for Orchestra. My mind is going to explode. Because there's still so much more that I haven't even mentioned. My room has been a disaster area since Fall Break. I'm running out of clean socks. I need to pay for China by the end of this semester. I need some lovin'. I need a sig. oth. I need to be able to decompress. I need to leave now and go to opera rehearsal. I need to find out why my iPod just randomly stopped working today.
I've done no work for my "job" nor for anything else for the passed 2 hours because I'm about to implode.